WARNING The following is a personal rage-vent-thing.
One year ago yesterday was the last time I tried to end my life. I’m glad Paul called me, and kept calling until I answered. It helped pull me out of the flashback.
Basically… I had a therapist who made me feel broken beyond repair. The way he handled my situation, and the way he messed with my head… I was so broken, and he knew it, and he made it so much worse. He stomped on my broken pieces and shattered me, sending me spiraling into a flashback that I couldn’t get out of.
I was so traumatized by what happened, my brain tried to erase all memories of him and the whole event while I was in the hospital. I was witnessing this trauma response in real time. I’d wake up and wonder, “Who was that guy?” “Now, why am I here?”
And I couldn’t quite talk about it. My brain couldn’t form words around the experience that made sense. That’s how bad he traumatized me.
I confronted him about it. He blame-shifted, telling me it was my fault (even though I pointed out evidence to the contrary). I later offered him forgiveness anyway, said I just wanted to understand, and he spat it back in my face, treating me like a disease he might catch.
Anyway, I am SO glad I am still here. HEALING IS POSSIBLE.
I am so grateful for the good therapists who caught me after this, who helped save my life.
But I feel a lot of anger toward this guy. He is doing great, has zero remorse.… just one more person who’s caused me significant trauma (someone I went to in a completely vulnerable state of mind, who I trusted with everything I had to help me, whose impact nearly brought my life to an end)—
and could not care less.
That hurts.
And I hate that I think about it, and will cry about it—like I did today—yet it never crosses their mind.
Ever experience that?
It’s horrible. It’s so wretched, gross and unfair. The universe is out of alignment.
But what do you do?
I don’t know. I’m still figuring that out.
But I know it’s totally possible to heal even if the universe has shifted.
I think allowing yourself to feel your anger is part of processing it.
That’s what art is for.
Anyway, the end.
📚🌹
