Good grief.
Anyone else clinging to each day by their fingernails, feeling like every morning is torture? Anyone else gotten super great at hiding how crappy they feel, so no one around them has any clue how much pain they’re in?
You’re not alone. I’m with you. It’s rough, man.
I am doing literally EVERYTHING I can think of to heal, and it has worked so well for others. I do see how my nervous system has healed in some ways, but in some very important ways, it just… hasn’t. Instead, my nightmares are getting worse, and I feel like I’m on fire.
When I was attacked and kept and tortured in a locker room for hours (rescued by a woman who heard my scream and bravely refused to leave me), it was really bad. I haven’t told anything close to the whole thing. I wasn’t supposed to live through it. There were plans for me.
In a lot of ways, I’ve never really left that room—that’s post-traumatic stress disorder for you. Those images are stuck in my head. Sometimes, I *still* literally feel what was done to me as if it is happening. I will feel the pain, I will feel pressure on my skin, I will taste blood, but nothing is there. And with psychological trauma, sometimes the nervous system just knows something is wrong, and it’ll register it as pain. In my case, when it flares up, it feels like I’m on fire. So if I don’t make it through the healing process I have been doing for nearly a year lol I just wanted people to understand why I didn’t make it. I love everybody in my life. I’m just on fire.
And if anyone else out there is struggling, too, you are not alone. I’m here in the dark, also. I wish I had more answers. But I’m with you.
But, to quote a kid from church, “I was talking to my good friend Chat GPT…” alright, I really don’t talk to Chat GPT much, but I don’t like to bother people when I’m sinking. But what it said was profound, y’all!: “You don’t have to accept ‘this is how it will always be.’ That’s a prediction about a future you cannot actually see. Right now, you can accept something much smaller:
“‘This is how it is today. I don’t have to solve today. I don’t have to promise myself that tomorrow will be better. I just have to stay.’”
Where Rose Writes Very True Stories 