Where Rose Writes Very True Stories

It’s December 13^th, my unbirthday! It’s been 13 years since my first one, and 13 is my lucky number, so today is a good day! 13 years ago, if you had told me all the things that would happen and that I would learn by today, I would’ve never believed you. Not in a million years. No way. I would’ve said, “That’s very nice of you to say,” given you a fake smile, and then cried hopeless tears when you weren’t looking.

So, I don’t think I’ve ever explained why Michael Dougherty’s ‘Krampus’ is my favorite movie—right up there with ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ and ‘Back to the Future’ (just hearing those few notes of the ‘Back to the Future’ theme sends a thrill through me, I love it!). Yes, it’s campy, creepy, weird, and delightful, and Krampus is wearing a dead guy’s face which adds layers of mystery to his backstory, and the comic book addition is just AMAZING and one of my favorite things, ever! Yes, yes, it’s all those good things. 

But why I love it most, is because of this one line spoken by Omi: “A reminder of what happens when hope is lost, when belief is forgotten, and the Christmas spirit dies.”

When I heard this, it struck me as if I didn’t hear the “Christmas” part, just the part where the spirit dies.

So, in the movie, Krampus shows up when a person loses hope, and a bunch of bad stuff happens to them and everyone around them—especially everyone around them. But it spoke to me so deeply one day when I was watching it, because: maybe people don’t realize how hard you’re trying to hold onto hope, how difficult it’s getting for you. Maybe they don’t realize you’re losing belief in yourself, in your ability to heal and in things getting better. Maybe they can’t see how broken your spirit is. And man, you’re tired. You’re tired of hanging on. 

And that’s where I was when I watched that movie a few years ago—not 13 years ago, it didn’t exist back then, but a few years ago. 

But I was reminded when watching this movie how important it is to hold onto hope. Don’t lose hope! Because, when your light goes out, man… the darkness that replaces it, is really cold. It’s really cold.

December 12, 2010, I’d planned on ending my life. I was in the beginning preparatory stages of it. When I made the decision, I felt SO happy. An eerie feeling of peace swept over me. I believed that I could never heal from the mental anguish I was in, and I believed I was a burden to my family, and that by removing myself from life, I was setting everyone free. 

But that night, I had second thoughts. And, with tears staining a journal page, I wrote a prayer and asked God, “If there is anything about me at all that is worth saving, please… save me.”

And the next day, December 13^th, with all my doubts about my decision gone but the prayer already said, a miracle happened that stopped me in my tracks, driving all my planning to a halt. I knew I had to find another way—and, actually, I wasn’t very happy about getting that answer to my prayer at that time.

But I am now (and now I’m crying).

I cannot believe all the things that have happened in the last 13 years.

So many precious moments with my boys! Camping out under the Christmas tree, watching their eyes light up on Christmas morning, going to Disneyland and Lagoon. My youngest being born! I didn’t see that coming 13 years ago, that’s been awesome. Playing board games—particularly the Oregon Trail. Watching movies together. Deep discussions about life. Family home evenings. Watching them grow. Seeing ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ live and meeting Catherine O’Hara—whaaat? Picnicking with my husband—who is also my best friend—at an abandoned waterpark. Moving away, building a new home, working at a Halloween store and filling my home with animatronics. Writing 3 books and working on 2 more. Winning awards—actually winning! 13 years ago, I’d never won anything before—and being a 2^nd place finalist for another, really cool award. Going back to college and getting straight As—in college! That’s something I’d never thought I could do. Studying dinosaurs in a dinosaur class taught by an actual paleontologist—say whaaat??

Watching the fog lift from my mind as I started to heal, and becoming myself again (I’m crying some more, I never thought I’d feel like myself again).

Seeing myself as God sees me—seeing all the breaks and cracks that had actually caused that fog, and that these traumas weren’t my fault like I’d believed for so long, and truly starting to heal from those wounds. 

And I’m saying all of this because—sometimes, things seem really, really hopeless. That’s an understatement. There are many people who don’t understand that level of despair, but I do. And I wish I could say that I’d never hit that level ever again after 2010, but I have. Even just this last year. It got bad. Real bad. A few times. 

But you have no idea what’s ahead of you if you just hold on. Publishing books has been a dream of mine since before I could really write, and I never thought it’d happen, and then it did. I never thought I’d get to see Danny Elfman perform as Jack Skellington live or meet Sally, and then I did. Or have a picnic at an abandoned waterpark, or sleep in a haunted hotel, and then those things happened on that same weekend! And I freaking love being a mom, I love my kids, and I get to be their mom every day… even on days when I feel bad for them that I’m their mom because I have no idea what I’m doing. But I love them, and I love being their mom.

I’m really glad I’m still here. And I know I’m healing. And I look back at the last 13 years, and I’m just in awe, and it makes me really look forward to the next 13 years. I’m really interested to see what they hold. In Michael Dougherty’s ‘Krampus,’ as confirmed by the comic book, Krampus is all about second chances at life. I’m so grateful I got a second chance… and a few more. But, those chances are kind of a choice we need to make.

And if you’re in a dark place, I know how ridiculous it might sound to you right now that any dreams could come true for you. I know it. Because I’ve been there. I was there even just a few months ago. But dude… (now I’m crying again) I promise dreams can come true for you, you just have to hang on. Hang on. If you can’t hang on for 13 years, just hang on till tonight. And then tonight, just hang on until morning. Don’t look at the whole picture right now, just look at the step right in front of you. If you need someone to hold onto, if you are struggling, please reach out to someone you trust. Any burden you might place on them by reaching out will be nothing compared to the weight left behind in the cold darkness without you, without your light. Your light matters, it makes a difference. You are needed, and you are loved. You are loved so much more than you know. If you don’t feel like you can do that, hold onto me. I’ve got you. You’re not alone. And I promise you can make it to the next step. I know you’re trying—please keep trying. You have an unwritten future that you don’t want to miss. Please reach out. You don’t have to wander alone.